Thursday, January 27, 2011


A couple of years ago, about the time Neils and I started trying for this baby, Jett discovered that he was the only one in our family that didn't share a birthday month with someone.  Sky and Neils share October and me and Brooke share May.  He felt so left out.  It was a REALLY big deal to him.  So we told him, "well, then when you say your prayers you can ask Heavenly Father to send you a brother in September."  Jett's prayer began immediately, "Please bless that my baby brother will come on September 2nd (the day after his)."  We tried.  We tried for a good year before we began to wonder if there was something wrong.  I met with my OB to see what I could do.  I took many tests, all of which continued to come back that I was perfectly fine.  I could not have been more regular and exact in my cycle.  It seemed weird.  Neils even went and was tested, only to find out he was completely fine.  I was told after all the results were in, that this is what they called unexplainable infertility.  Not really what I wanted to hear.  Friends were beginning to say, "Well you have three kids..." But I just couldn't imagine Jett not having a brother, or that I'd only have three kids in the end.  I felt torn, knowing Neils and I were getting older by the second, the questions consumed me.  Do I just move on with my three and be grateful for what I have?  How long do I try?  I finally decided that if I wasn't pregnant in time to have a baby in September, that I'd move on.  I had to pick something and hold onto it.  I did.  The month that I THOUGHT I needed to be pregnant in order to have a September baby came and left.  I cried hard.  I cried to my mom and told her how devastating it was.  Her immediate response was, "no, you can get pregnant in two weeks and have a September baby."  Really?  I thought about it and she was right.  I mustered up some hope.  I was super positive and hung onto that hope.  I don't think it's any coincidence that we are pregnant and due in September.  That little prayer by Jett was said hundreds of times, sometimes three times a day and more than once in each prayer.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Today, I asked myself, what one thing symbolized the first day of a new year,  or what do I want to accomplish this year.  I started to think... and there were just too many ideas.  UNTIL... I was at the gym running my heart out all the while watching a movie on Lifetime T.V.  It was about these three fat ladies and their quest to get skinny again and what it was they wanted at the end of their journey.  One said she wanted to wear a bikini, one said she wanted to fit into this lovely wedding dress and the other wanted a fancy pair of shoes.  As I watched, what I call a silly show, but great in the way that it kept me running on that treadmill, I listened to these ladies discuss their determination and how they BELIEVED they could do this together.  My thoughts quickly turned to the other night when I was playing the game Sequence for Kids with my three kids.  My oldest, not great at losing was not handling it well.  I tried to help her... I said, "You know how daddy thinks he is Green Light Neils-C, and how he always gets green lights?  Well, it's because he BELIEVES he is.  Do you understand what I'm saying?  You need to believe that you can win this game and you'll be amazed at how many times you will win.  But if you believe you're going to lose, I guarantee you'll lose the game every time."  I got a bit of a nod from her through the tears, but it was my boy who I think understood the lesson best of all.  The next day, in the van while driving, from the back of the van came his sweet little voice.  He asked me, "Mom?  Did you pass all your tests to have a baby?"  I looked over at my husband with a curious look, wondering what he'd say next.  "Yes, I responded, why do you ask?"  He said, "Oh good, so now you just have to BELIEVE you'll have a baby and you will."  Tears filled my eyes.  So as I kept running, it hit me... BELIEVE!  I just need to believe and I can do it.